Fair Skies with 100% Chance of Dipshit

I love weather. Sunny, stormy sign me up. Since I can remember I am enthralled by radar and seeing how different storm systems move together to create different scenarios. I grew up watching the great Dan Henry . Dan was great. He shot you straight and didn't blow shit out of proportion, I appreciated that being a little kid in tornado alley. But since Dan has left the airwaves one thing weather related I have grown to despise is THE WEATHERMAN. I know I am not alone in my absolute loathing of these folks but my reasons may be a bit different. I would guess most people hate the weather reporters because from time to time they are wrong, they make retarded commercials or because they bring their dogs on the air with them. Neither of these are my reasons. My hatred began with this first bullet point and was sealed with my second:

• QUIT COCK TEASING ME WITH THE INTROS TO YOUR SEGMENT OR YOUR STUPID FLIP'N PROMOS DURING THE DAY!

Listen weather dude/pregnant dude'et (why are weather ladies always pregnant?); we have something called the internet, man up and just give us the freaking forecast or we are gonna turn your shit off and go find some naked girl on the web to tell us if its going to rain tomorrow. Even if we bypass the nudity we can still go to YOUR STATIONS website and find out what you are going to say before you even say it. And if by chance I am too lazy to actually get up or reach for my phone I can hit a button on my remote control and "BAM!" looky there it's a f'n forecast. Quit popping on 10 minutes before you go live and pulling some bullshit like:

"Is it gonna rain? Get bitterly cold? Will your kids be safe leaving the house or are we all going to have a great opportunity to get drunk and hit the pool with our dogs tomorrow? Check back in 15 minutes and we'll let you know!"

NO! How about this. How about you consider your ass lucky to have a job when you come back into the office tomorrow morning. You are irrelevant and have been left in the mix for the sake of tradition. With the exception of super severe weather you have become nothing more than T.V. Comfort Food. You need to quit drawing so much attention to yourself, lay low brotha. Your teasery used to be for the entertainment of Grandmas who like your attention. But guess what, Grandmas got the intertubes and she has had it with your shit too. I am not against you having a job but you really need to STFU and get to it. In fact just put the whole weather segment right at the top of the newscast so I can turn it off before I hear about how many assholes killed people today in KCMO and how bad our baseball team sucks.

• THE WEATHER IS NOT IN A CONSTANT STATE OF WARNING

As if we don't have enough to think about in these times, now the fucking weather is something we should constantly be worried about? Really? Every damn night FIRST WARNING WEATHER slams onto the TV and then it is announced the big warning is clear skies and bluebirds in the morning. No matter how much you try to freak me out over some thing I have no control over and are natural events I will not fear the mudda f'n weather every damn day. And where do you get the balls to say that you had the information first to issue this daily warning? Are you magic? Why can't it just be called "IF WE TRY TO FREAK OUT THE STUPID SHEEP MAYBE THEY WON'T REALIZE THIS STATION IS TRYING TO PRAY ON PEOPLES IRRATIONAL SUBCONSCIOUS FEARS".

So to sum up, unless you bastards and basterdets change your approach to giving us the information I hope each one of you is out of a job and end up on welfare. I, as an American, challenge you to reinvent the local weather forecast industry.